...and the Gift of Basically Anything That's Awesome

I have the severest girl-crush on Mindy Kaling. I love that she sort of got on the Hollywood radar by co-writing and co-performing in Matt & Ben, she seems cool and funny and like she'd be fun to hang out with along with a bunch of girls as you all drained about nine pitchers of margaritas, and she is the author of the for-my-money funniest (non-AD**) moment of tv in the past decade*, the opening of The Office episode "The Injury":

MICHAEL SCOTT
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then, I go to sleep. When I wake up. I plug in the grill. Then I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me -- it's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on the grill, and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

The first time I saw that, I literally cried during that part and then rewound it six times.

Annnnnnyway, she has a blog -- mindyephron.blogspot.com --and it only serves to convince me even more of her awesomeness. Anyone who wants to drive a Mini, but hesitates momentarily because it'd be "like driving the automotive equivalent of the Gilmore Girls", and then shrugs it off because she thinks the shows actually okay --that is a girl with whom I really want to be friends!

She is funny, but there are also some very valuable tips on there -- practically everything on it, I do want to track down and purchase! I knew she'd be someone awesome to talk to about makeup and shoes, and now it feels like a one-sided version of that conversation is actually happening.

* narrowly beating out "dropping the hard J" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia


** My Personal Top Ten AD Quotes:

10.
Tobias Fünke: Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.
Michael: We just call it a sausage.

9.
Michael Bluth: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr.: First time.
Michael Bluth: I've never heard of a second.

8.
Buster: Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother".
Michael: No, le-let's try to top that.

7.
Michael Bluth: I need you to do something to my mom that I cannot do. Maybe some Afternoon Delight.
Oscar: Ah. Now the question is, how do I get it in her?
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannibus called "Afternoon Delight". It was known for the ability to slow down reflexes.
Michael Bluth: I don't want any details...
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie...
Michael Bluth: Hey.

6.
Michael Bluth: You know what you do? You go buy yourself a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. You might be surprised at some of your phrasing.


5.
Lindsay Funke: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.
[server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]
Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay Funke: That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
Lucille: Mine was better.

4.
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

3.
Michael Bluth: [calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob] I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.
Lucille: You would do that to your brother?
Michael Bluth: I said "cot".

2.
George Michael Bluth: Don't you always say "family first"?
Michael: Yes, I do. But that is not a family. Okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael Bluth: She's not my real aunt?
Michael: Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.

1.
Gob: It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.

...and the Gift of the Swaggering Suzerain

Now is the time of year when resolutions are sorely tested. It's easy enough to glide through the first week or two on the excitement of the New Year -- new resolutions and routines, clean slates...anyone can eat healthily and floss every day for two weeks. But now...now is the trying time.

I believe in resolutions. Yes, everyone fails at them in some measure. But if you fail at your resolution 30% of the time, you've still created a positive new habit in your life 70% of the time. Less smoking is better than more smoking; some exercise is better than none; every little bit counts, and we should be proud of all those little efforts. This year, in addition to my Resolutions for 2007 and my Goals for 2007 and my '101 in 1001 Days' List (essentially, a Just-Under-Three-Years Plan), I made my first group resolution. Along with several old chums from school, I pledged to emulate Brett Ratner --

Wait! Where are you going?! Don't leave! Keep reading!

I know what you're thinking. Oh god, no. It's bad enough to have to deal with one of him...I can't deal with the idea of others trying to copy him -- striving to turn themselves into pervy hacks.

But here's the thing: yeah, he kinda sucks. We all know it. Everyone knows it. I'm sure that when Al Quaeda guys are asked "Now why exactly do you hate America?", they simply sigh, open their laptops, click on his bookmarked IMDB page and rest their case with exhibit A. Below is just a sampling of Brett Ratner on Brett Ratner:

on X-Men: The Last Stand:
INTERVIEWER: So what do you think the people criticizing you will say when they actually see the film?
RATNER: Oh, I think they'll be eating crow! I think so. Because the movie came out great. I'm really proud of it.

on Rush Hour 3:
INTERVIEWER: Can you give us any idea what the storyline will be in this one?
RATNER: Well, in the first one, Jackie [Chan] was in LA; he was the fish out of water. In the second one, Chris [Tucker] went to Hong Kong. In this one, they're both going to Paris. So they're both gonna be the fish out of water; they're both not going to speak the language.

on just how good he is:
People who get to know me not on a superficial level, not by my work, but get to know me for who I am – shows that I’m not just the hack or the commercial sell out. I have respect from Toback and Polanski and all these guys because I’m a real filmmaker. Whether or not you like the genre I’m in, you can’t deny I know what I’m doing. I’m not leaving it up to the actors. There’s some point of view. And you’ll see it in the making of – I was watching it the other day, and you see me coming up with this idea, that idea, I piece it together and how I make it work.

If you really, really know films and you watch my films you’ll know my inspirations. It’s like if you watch Boogie Nights, although his are a little more obvious....Every scene in [my] movie comes from another film.

on assessing his work:
RATNER: But I’ll tell you what, and I swear to God I don’t know any other filmmaker of who this is true – there is not one frame of any movie I’ve done that I go, ‘Ugh.’
INTERVIEWER: Really? You always hear directors saying, ‘I love that movie except…’
RATNER: Even Michael Mann will say, ‘I’ll look at it but there are things I would change.’ The point is that when I see my editor’s assembly – and there is not another director, and I want you to ask every director you talk to, say, ‘How do you feel when you watch your editor’s assembly?’ I guarantee to you that 99.99% of them will say, ‘I feel like hanging myself. I want to die. I couldn’t live with what I saw. It was painful.’ When I walk out of the room after my editor’s cut? ‘My God! I made a movie! I made a movie that works!’ It’s not that I can’t believe it, it’s just that I’m so fucking psyched.

God bless him, he has never had a moment of self-doubt. He is where he is today because he truly thinks he is legen-wait for it-dary. He wholly believes in his legen-wait for it-dary-ness. Not for him the myth of the tortured, doubting artist. He goes full-throttle after whatever he wants and never lets himself be plagued by the notion that he isn't good enough, or an idea of his is played out or derivative, or that a story doesn't make sense/has been seen before/isn't that imaginative/shows a want of taste and subtlety.

And he gets his movies made. And people -- very talented people -- want to work with him. His faults don't hurt him -- he's Teflon. He is truly a testament to where one can go if one decides not to listen to self-doubt.

So in 2007, my (delightful and very talented) friends and I have pledged to follow the Way of the Ratner.

No more putting off a good idea because we can't get it just right. No more procrastination out of a secret fear that we are not ready to pull off the story yet. No more looking at a film or story or script we've finished and cringing because it's not perfect. No way! It's 2007 and we are so awesome! We are totally fucking psyched! And in 2008, we'll be directing X-Men features and executive producing television shows, while still directing music videos for the crazy lady who thinks she is like a butterfly.

DD-Approved Detective Gear, Part 2

I have finally found the perfect gift for the fashionable girl detective.

Yes, Hannukah and Christmas are long gone, but I am going to once again make a push for people to begin celebrating the Feast of the Epiphany (Jan 6). Doing so has untold advantages -- gift givers have extra time to shop for gifts; everyone gets a presenty lift just as the post-holiday blues begin to set in; the whole "12 Days of Christmas" thing is illuminated nicely with a starting and ending date; and presents are sensibly exchanged on a holiday which celebrates gift-giving rather than one commemorating the harsh consequences of poor travel planning, namely, labor in a barn. (Incidentally, had I been Mary in that scenario, my child would have grown up without a birthday, for the entire event would have been filed under That Which We Shall Not Speak Of Again, Much Less Commemorate Annually, JOSEPH.) Yes, I am convinced that this is the year public sentiment will finally embrace Epiphany celebrations.

I digress. Back to my point:



Pretty, right? Even better -- it's a magnifying glass!! How fantastic is that?! At last, my days of constantly carrying an unwieldy and oversized magnifying glass with me wherever I go (see right) are through!