Diana Dares

Foiling Chicanery with Boundless Intelligence, Fashionable Outfits, Moxie, and One Sporty Blue Roadster.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Worse Than I Had Feared

This is the movie they make about me?!

I must go call my friends Jupiter Jones, Pete Crenshaw, and Bob Andrews. Only they can understand my pain and outrage at this moment.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

...and the Mystery of the Totally Bleeping Empty Soundstage

There are times when my cover interferes with my true purpose. Lately, I have been going undercover on set and the different hours and work have proved very difficult for good snooping. It should be ideal -- a warehouse with seventy-five people running around, most of whom are not exactly sure what each person does -- what could be better? Alas, my cover gig has me wandering around behind one or two people and virtually tied to their sides. It doesn't leave me very much time for snooping, or anything else, really.

And I write this as one particularly foggy detective. I arrived on set for another day of feigning joy at my cover only to find that the call time had been pushed back to a decent hour and I had not been notified of such. I could have been in my sweet, cozy bed instead of standing in an empty warehouse with someone else's cappuccino in my hand at 6:50 a.m. Well, at least it gives me time to poke around without any criminals trying to knock a set down onto me. Note to self: look into this miscommunication further. Perhaps production office is on to me and is trying to sabotage my investigation?

At any rate, I write this as a very tired and soul-crushed investigator. I think it's time to get selfish. I need to find a way to protect my time better and actually have some time to work on solving these mysteries. That will probably mean telling George and Bess no brunch and no seeing them for a while, which is too bad since I would vastly prefer seeing them to posing as a hapless assistant on a tv show. They also make the work of posing as aforementioned hapless assistant much more bearable. Still...to solve this crime I may have to go hide in a bunker and not see anyone for quite some time.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

....and the Warm Welcome to Hollywood

In my undercover role, I attended a production meeting earlier today. I wanted to use the opportunity to suss out several dubious characters. Neither of my possible suspects did anything to dampen my suspicions when in the middle of the meeting, during a disagreement on how *exactly* a body could be killed with a blunt object, the first called his sweet unsuspecting assistant into the room, and proceeded to grab the assistant from behind in a tight grip and bludgeon him with an empty Kleenex box.

The other man broke in. "No, no, no!" he cried. I relaxed for a moment, until --

"HERE'S how he did it!" he instructed, grabbing the box from the first man. Then he seized the assistant, turned him away from his body and started beating him with the box on a different part of his back. "See? Sharp blows," he explained. He released the assistant and they continued their discussion.

The assistant watched them both for a moment.

"Was...there...anything else you wanted?" he asked meekly after a minute or so.

They both glanced up at him, surprised to see him still standing there.

"No, we're good. We'll call you if we need you again."