...and the Unmasking of the Deceptive Dissembler

To Whomever Is Pretending To Be Justin Timberlake:

Why do you keep exhorting me to "get my sexy on"? Why do you continue to assure me that you are "bringing sexy back"? Finally, why do you keep insisting that you are Justin Timberlake when you are clearly an imposter?

My internets tell me that you are in fact Justin Timberlake, but I am dubious. I am quite sure that you are not he. Justin Timberlake sings great, fun pop songs and dances in his videos. You, on the other hand, have made and are now performing a terrible, over-produced song and appear in a video in which you alternately wear a kerchief and wander about a club looking confused. Sir, if those are the qualifications for bringing sexy back, I must inform you that I brought it back YEARS ago.

I am afraid I must insist that you cease and desist with the using of the good Mr. Timberlake's name and (sortof)likeness. I must also insist that you stop claiming to be bringing back that which, as stated above, has already been brought back.

Thank you,

Diana Dare

P.S. Yes, I am aware, sir, that in addition to the "kerchief-rocking" (your word) and the club wandering, you do at one point jump from balcony to balcony of your fancy but bugged/wired hotel. While I will grant you that this activity is sexier than the two I mentioned, again it is ground well covered by yours truly. As one who balcony-jumped while you were but a young Mouseketeer, I am the prior - and therefore, original - bringer back of sexy. Stop this pretense and please go find the real JT.

P.P.S. Should you find him, please let him know that Britney would be realllllly excited to see him should they happen to bump into each other at the Coffee Bean in Malibu at say, 2 pm this Saturday. Or whenever works for him. Just let her know. She says it's totally cool if he texts her. Just don't call cuz Kevin might get all worked up about it even though it's totally nothing. Right? I mean she totally knows that it's nothing. DUH. Well, nothing now. She did really love you but now it's just totally two friends happening to run into each other as they search out delicious iced coffee drinks and maybe if Kevin ever worked a day in his life instead of ordering up another set of pet sharks, he'd know how refreshing an iced blended could be after a strenuous day of comeback tour preparations and not get worked up over something that is OBVIOUSLY just a friends thing.