Diana Dares

Foiling Chicanery with Boundless Intelligence, Fashionable Outfits, Moxie, and One Sporty Blue Roadster.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

...and the Intrigue in the Ashes

Dear readers, I have stumbled upon a new mystery! I arrived at work to find firetrucks surrounding my place of employment. Several alleys and streets were blocked off, and helicopters were buzzing overhead. Stage 27 was on fire!

Chief McGinnis thinks it was an accident, but I'm not so sure. I have several theories at this point, but even more questions. What was shooting on Stage 27 anyway? Who were all those mysterious workers seen entering and exiting at all times of day? Why did the fire spread to a nearby stage when the fire department learned of the fire almost immediately? Why do they keep motioning me to stay away from the site of the fire? What are they trying to hide? Was this the work of a disgruntled employee? Perhaps a rival studio? A starlet desperate to get out of her contract for a movie that was clearly going south?

Theory #1: Arsonist aiming for ruining the MTV Movie Awards but confused event date (Friday and Sat) with the air date (this coming Thurs). Attempt to save us from painfully unfunny Jessica Alba comedy bits failed, but arsonist wins my grudging respect.

Theory #2: Accidental fire caused by problem with wiring/light/employee cigarette. Not much of a mystery. Much more exciting if arson.

Theory #3: Arsonist actually independent filmmaker using stage after hours for his one big effects scene when his inexperienced stunts coordinator (just a couple points shy of his SAG card) made an unfortunate "shouldn't be a problem" call. If so, film crew was able to dismantle and run away very quickly. Check all recent film school graduates against their school's track teams. Follow up with any directors who hold suspiciously good times in the 400.

Theory #4: Arsonist wasn't aiming for Stage 27 at all, but rather hoping to get a toasty blaze going that would then spread to nearby stages -- the actual goal all along. Wait a minute....I'm in one of those nearby stages. Make list of potential enemies. Investigate those with arson or smoking in backgrounds. Think, think. What were they trying to destroy? (Besides me?) Keep eye on crew -- see if George will go undercover as grip.

I'm so excited. I haven't had a good mystery for months!


  • At 10:33 PM, Blogger procrastinatrix said…

    Theory #5: Cheesy toast!

    Theory #2 totally reminds me of that Sweet Valley High jumbo summer special, you know the one where the gang goes camping and Todd's evilly manipulative kinda-new-girlfriend sets the camp on fire because she flicks her cigarette butt into the bushes, but Elizabeth is wracked with guilt because she was the one charged with putting out the campfire (which she did) and she tells Mr. Collins it's all her fault and sends herself home from the trip... while all the while devious not-Todd's-girlfriend makes the moves now the Elizabeth's out of the picture?

    Do you know what I'm talking about?

  • At 5:00 PM, Blogger Diana Dare said…

    Do I know what you're talking about? Please. And let me tell you, if I may be so frank, Elizabeth...kind of a pill. The only one at the girl-heroine gatherings who's always checking that we're okay to drive, and looking askance when we have a martini after a Benadryl. (It's a BENADRYL, you killjoy. Go save your sister from getting raped, will ya?)


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