Diana Dares

Foiling Chicanery with Boundless Intelligence, Fashionable Outfits, Moxie, and One Sporty Blue Roadster.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Memories of Azteca Boy

So, as I was rather condescendingly told the other day, I've come a long way in the past year. I was not smoking a Virginia Slims at the time, no, but yes, it does seem like I should have been. And drinking some Tab.

But this should give you a sense of where I was a year ago...still in Chicago and not stagnant, really. Just bored and looking around for distraction at every turn.

Now I have a palm tree in my "backyard" and a dying lemon tree that I hope I can revive and I am sick on gummi worms. My friend rasah and I recently discovered our mutual reliance on gummi worms while writing. They are so satisfying during bouts of stressed-out writing, I swear. If only you didn't get sick after a pound and a half of them...

So anyway... here's last year:

I have a new crush. It is similar to most of my crushes in that it is born completely out of boredom, yet still manages to be entertainingly diverting. His name is Restaurant Boyfriend (RB). That is not his real name. He comes into the restaurant a lot, and I wish he were my boyfriend, so that is how he got his name. He comes in during the week a lot for lunch. He looks like the guy, who, when they're casting a bunch of buddies for Matt Damon's next movie, would get the first call. He’s always reading, which makes me happy. He has a White Sox cap, which also makes me happy, and he’s always very polite and tips well, which again, makes me happy. It is also proof that he loves me. RB proves he loves me often in lots of little ways.

Things Restaurant Boyfriend has done that proves he loves me:
1. Asked for hot sauce
2. Asked for toast
3. Said “sure” when I asked if he wanted more water
4. Asked for his check
5. Paid his check
6. Tipped 40%
7. Tipped Fannie 40% when she was his waitress, just to make me jealous
8. Sat in my section
9. Said “bye” while leaving the restaurant
**10. Said ‘hey” while he walked past me waiting at a bus stop once at night.

** This "hey" indicates two important things: a) he has memorized my features whilst dreaming of me enough that he can not be thrown by a ginormous feature-obscuring purple knit hat, and 2)more importantly, he does not hold dressing for warmth at the Serious Expense of Any Sense of Style against his future love.

Restaurant Boyfriend first came to the forefront of the crush list when Dane and I were playing a game called If You Had to Date One of the Customers Who Would It Be? It’s a simple game; I imagine you can figure it out. RB was everyone’s choice. Everyone wanted to date Restaurant Boyfriend. Dane thought he was intriguing because he makes prolonged direct eye contact in a way that is not creepy, but merely interested. That is another good point about RB, but it doesn’t prove that he likes Dane, because RB does that to everyone.

On the other hand, he always says hi to me, and once or twice, when I asked him if his current book was good, he would say “yeah, it’s really interesting” or “it is, but it’s so sad” or something like that. That is when it became clear that, even though everyone wanted to date him, he really wanted me. If he played If You Had to Date One of the Waitstaff Who Is Female, Straight, Under 5’4”, And Not From the South, he would totally pick me. Because he totally loves me.

He has a girlfriend. I learned the sad truth when I was talking to Fannie about Restaurant Boyfriend. At the time (pre-playing IYHTDOOTCWWIB) his name was Azteca Guy, because he always ordered the Azteca Bowl (black beans, brown rice, chicken, tomatoes, green onions, cheddar cheese, sour cream, and cilantro.) She thought his name was Latina Guy, because on the weekends he always ordered the Latina Omeleta (eggs, black beans, tomatoes, green onions, cheddar cheese, sour cream, and cilantro). Yeah, I didn’t name the entrees.

On the weekends, he comes in earlier and therefore orders breakfast. That is when he brings the girlfriend (TG). My poor weekday-working self did not know about TG until Fannie and I straightened out our confusion regarding Restaurant Boyfriend’s many names. “Oh, you mean Latina Guy,” she had said. In response to my puzzled expression (no, no, his name was Azteca Guy!), she clarified: “He comes in on the weekends with his girlfriend?”

Sadly, chillingly, it was true. I started working weekends soon after, and saw her for my very self. TG has dyed red hair and wears a lot of makeup, but in a cool way. Even more sadly and chillingly, she seems very nice. Clearly wrong for him, we all agree, but very nice. (Veggie burger, miso sauce on the side). Fannie told me they live together. I guess that makes his dog actually their dog. It seems there is a lot of work to be done. I would feel terribly guilty breaking them up, even for as good a reason as my and Restaurant Boyfriend’s obvious true love for each other, so I must orchestrate some happenings.

First, I must find The Girlfriend a proper boyfriend. I think a musician would be good. Someone wild, someone who is not a laidback baseball fan with a dog and a lot of books. A musician with a dog would be workable, however. After I find The Musician (TM), I must arrange for him to meet TG. Then TG must fall so wildly in love with TM that she will engage in a wild affair until the guilt consumes her and she'll tell RB that she must leave him. He will be broken-hearted, it’s true, but only for a brief time. Shortly thereafter TM will bring his roadies by to move TG out one day while RB is out, so he won’t even have to move all the damn furniture and sort the CDs. I want to spare him as much pain as possible.

Then, Restaurant Boyfriend will come in to the restaurant, and I will sense his sadness. Mostly I will sense it because I will have caused it, but also a little because we’re meant to be together. We will talk about whatever book he is reading at the time (I think it will be a book of Raymond Carver short stories. Note to self: purchase book of Raymond Carver short stories and arrange for TM to leave behind when he packs up all TG’s books.), and then we will talk about how musicians suck, and how I don’t get how some girls find them attractive. At some point he will tell me his name so I don’t have to write Restaurant Boyfriend on the wedding announcement.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it. All I know is that it seems like knowing how to cook huevos rancheros would help.


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