Memories of Azteca Boy

So, as I was rather condescendingly told the other day, I've come a long way in the past year. I was not smoking a Virginia Slims at the time, no, but yes, it does seem like I should have been. And drinking some Tab.

But this should give you a sense of where I was a year ago...still in Chicago and not stagnant, really. Just bored and looking around for distraction at every turn.

Now I have a palm tree in my "backyard" and a dying lemon tree that I hope I can revive and I am sick on gummi worms. My friend rasah and I recently discovered our mutual reliance on gummi worms while writing. They are so satisfying during bouts of stressed-out writing, I swear. If only you didn't get sick after a pound and a half of them...

So anyway... here's last year:

I have a new crush. It is similar to most of my crushes in that it is born completely out of boredom, yet still manages to be entertainingly diverting. His name is Restaurant Boyfriend (RB). That is not his real name. He comes into the restaurant a lot, and I wish he were my boyfriend, so that is how he got his name. He comes in during the week a lot for lunch. He looks like the guy, who, when they're casting a bunch of buddies for Matt Damon's next movie, would get the first call. He’s always reading, which makes me happy. He has a White Sox cap, which also makes me happy, and he’s always very polite and tips well, which again, makes me happy. It is also proof that he loves me. RB proves he loves me often in lots of little ways.

Things Restaurant Boyfriend has done that proves he loves me:
1. Asked for hot sauce
2. Asked for toast
3. Said “sure” when I asked if he wanted more water
4. Asked for his check
5. Paid his check
6. Tipped 40%
7. Tipped Fannie 40% when she was his waitress, just to make me jealous
8. Sat in my section
9. Said “bye” while leaving the restaurant
**10. Said ‘hey” while he walked past me waiting at a bus stop once at night.

** This "hey" indicates two important things: a) he has memorized my features whilst dreaming of me enough that he can not be thrown by a ginormous feature-obscuring purple knit hat, and 2)more importantly, he does not hold dressing for warmth at the Serious Expense of Any Sense of Style against his future love.

Restaurant Boyfriend first came to the forefront of the crush list when Dane and I were playing a game called If You Had to Date One of the Customers Who Would It Be? It’s a simple game; I imagine you can figure it out. RB was everyone’s choice. Everyone wanted to date Restaurant Boyfriend. Dane thought he was intriguing because he makes prolonged direct eye contact in a way that is not creepy, but merely interested. That is another good point about RB, but it doesn’t prove that he likes Dane, because RB does that to everyone.

On the other hand, he always says hi to me, and once or twice, when I asked him if his current book was good, he would say “yeah, it’s really interesting” or “it is, but it’s so sad” or something like that. That is when it became clear that, even though everyone wanted to date him, he really wanted me. If he played If You Had to Date One of the Waitstaff Who Is Female, Straight, Under 5’4”, And Not From the South, he would totally pick me. Because he totally loves me.

He has a girlfriend. I learned the sad truth when I was talking to Fannie about Restaurant Boyfriend. At the time (pre-playing IYHTDOOTCWWIB) his name was Azteca Guy, because he always ordered the Azteca Bowl (black beans, brown rice, chicken, tomatoes, green onions, cheddar cheese, sour cream, and cilantro.) She thought his name was Latina Guy, because on the weekends he always ordered the Latina Omeleta (eggs, black beans, tomatoes, green onions, cheddar cheese, sour cream, and cilantro). Yeah, I didn’t name the entrees.

On the weekends, he comes in earlier and therefore orders breakfast. That is when he brings the girlfriend (TG). My poor weekday-working self did not know about TG until Fannie and I straightened out our confusion regarding Restaurant Boyfriend’s many names. “Oh, you mean Latina Guy,” she had said. In response to my puzzled expression (no, no, his name was Azteca Guy!), she clarified: “He comes in on the weekends with his girlfriend?”

Sadly, chillingly, it was true. I started working weekends soon after, and saw her for my very self. TG has dyed red hair and wears a lot of makeup, but in a cool way. Even more sadly and chillingly, she seems very nice. Clearly wrong for him, we all agree, but very nice. (Veggie burger, miso sauce on the side). Fannie told me they live together. I guess that makes his dog actually their dog. It seems there is a lot of work to be done. I would feel terribly guilty breaking them up, even for as good a reason as my and Restaurant Boyfriend’s obvious true love for each other, so I must orchestrate some happenings.

First, I must find The Girlfriend a proper boyfriend. I think a musician would be good. Someone wild, someone who is not a laidback baseball fan with a dog and a lot of books. A musician with a dog would be workable, however. After I find The Musician (TM), I must arrange for him to meet TG. Then TG must fall so wildly in love with TM that she will engage in a wild affair until the guilt consumes her and she'll tell RB that she must leave him. He will be broken-hearted, it’s true, but only for a brief time. Shortly thereafter TM will bring his roadies by to move TG out one day while RB is out, so he won’t even have to move all the damn furniture and sort the CDs. I want to spare him as much pain as possible.

Then, Restaurant Boyfriend will come in to the restaurant, and I will sense his sadness. Mostly I will sense it because I will have caused it, but also a little because we’re meant to be together. We will talk about whatever book he is reading at the time (I think it will be a book of Raymond Carver short stories. Note to self: purchase book of Raymond Carver short stories and arrange for TM to leave behind when he packs up all TG’s books.), and then we will talk about how musicians suck, and how I don’t get how some girls find them attractive. At some point he will tell me his name so I don’t have to write Restaurant Boyfriend on the wedding announcement.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it. All I know is that it seems like knowing how to cook huevos rancheros would help.

London Girl

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

I was trying for Venice, but London's not a bad back-up...

Oh, and I want Dane to know that the next entry is for him.

People Are Awesome, Pt 2

So if all the crazies from the tort cases weren't enough to convince me that people are awesome, recent news features three more examples.

Exhibit A:
Andrew Fastow of Enron didn't just cook the books. He eventually cut a deal with the prosecution to testify against Skilling, but before he cut the deal, he played hardball for awhile. Prosecutors looked at his tax returns, found a bunch of cheating on them, and planned to use this against him. He told them his wife had filed the returns. Prosecutors, still playing hardball, told them they'd prosecute her and send her to jail. He said fine. They did, and she did. She was in jail for A YEAR before Fastow switched his story and admitted that he'd done the taxes and had let her take the fall. I can only hope someone in prison is assisting her with her divorce proceedings.

from my old city of Chicago, Exhibit B:
Sister Claudette Marie Muhammed of the Nation of Islam was serving on a hate crime and anti-discrimination task force. She invited her fellow commissioners to hear Farrakhan speak at the Nation of Islam's Saviour's Day. In his remarks, Farrakhan accused "filthy Jews" and "wicked Jews" of promoting lesbianism and homosexuality through Hollywood, which of course they control. He also warned of the Zionists who were manipulating the government. She refused to distance herself from Farrakhan and his remarks, leading to what I can only imagine were some rather tense meetings concerning hate crime legislation. Five members of the commission have quit so far. Her response: she is the victim here. The members who quit? "They need to come back or shut up," her chief of staff said. "And leave me alone," she added.

The really awesome part of this is that the governor who appointed the commission's members, Rod Blagojevich, had no idea that he'd appointed someone from the Nation of Islam to the commission. Sister Claudette Marie Muhammed is Farrakhan's chief of protocol and national director of community outreach for the Nation of Islam. I can't imagine it took a lot of vetting to find that out. On the other hand...he didn't realize the Daily Show wasn't a real news show.

and finally, Exhibit C:
Christophe Fauviau is the overzealous tennis dad who poisoned his children's tennis match opponents. HE POISONED A BUNCH OF CHILDREN SO HIS KIDS COULD WIN TENNIS MATCHES. He slipped the anti-anxiety drug Temesta into the water bottles of players scheduled to compete against his kids. TWENTY-SEVEN TIMES!! These incidents resulted in collapse and hospitalization in several cases, including that of an 11-year-old girl. Faviau's tampering eventually led to the death of a player. One of his son's opponents drove home from the match, fell asleep at the wheel, crashed his car and died. (Drowsiness is a side effect of Temesta, which was found in the man's system.)

Wow. People, huh?

People Are Awesome, Pt 1

Tom, my brother in law school, helped me out tremendously the other night. I'm writing a spec for a legal show, and needed ridiculous tort cases. I asked him if he knew of any; here's his reply:

Here are some of my favorite cases from Tort class last year. Because torts deals with injuries (“there are limbs falling off and blood spraying everywhere,” as my professor would say), some of these cases are funny only in a dark way. Some of them are old cases, if that matters.

1) Osterlind v. Hill (1928)
A guy rents canoes to two very drunk guys, who go out on the lake and capsize. One of the drunk guys manages to hang on to the boat for 30 minutes, loudly calling for help. The boat owner hears his cries and does absolutely nothing (the court doesn’t explain what the owner was doing while this was happening, but I like to think he was rocking on his porch), and the drunk guy eventually releases his hold on the canoe and drowns. This case is funny because A) of how big an asshole the boat owner was, and B) the court reluctantly concluded that the owner was not liable to the families of the drunk guys because a person does not have a legal duty to rescue.

2) Tarasoff v. Regents of the University of California (1976)
Tarasoff is a truly sad case and not funny at all, but it is worth mentioning because it is interesting and very famous. It basically involved some foreign guy who kissed Tarasoff on New Year’s Eve, misinterpreted that to mean that they had a deep romance or were engaged, and was offended and angered when she basically told him it was no big deal. He told his shrink that he was going to kill an unnamed girl, and the shrink didn’t report this to the cops. He shortly thereafter went to Tarasoff’s residence and murdered her. I guess this case might be funny in that foreign people have goofy customs that we can laugh at.

3) McGuiggan v. New England Tel. and Tel. Co. (1986)
A kid graduates high school; his parents throw him a party. He and his buddies drink there, and then leave in a car. The kid, riding shotgun, feels sick and leans his head out to puke, and cracks his head on a telephone pole, resulting in death. This case is funny because A) it reminds me of crazy college times (there but for the grace of God went I), and B) the parents sued the telephone company, and the indignant telephone company, feeling little remorse for the grieving parents, sued them right back on the grounds that they provided the kids alcohol and were therefore responsible for their son’s death.

4) Palsgraf v. Long Island Railroad Co. (1928)
Probably the most famous tort case ever. Two guy are racing to catch a train that is pulling out of the station. One of them makes it, but the other guy (who is carrying a package) jumps onto the train and totters immediately like he is about to fall off. Two guards on the train push and yank him onto the train to prevent him from falling off, and in the commotion the man drops his package. The package contained some kind of fireworks, which explode when the package is dropped. The force of the explosion causes tiles to fall on the head of a lady who is standing 30 feet away. This case is funny because A) a lady minding her own business was hit in the head with tiles, and B) the judge ruled against here in her lawsuit against the train company.

5) Riss v. City of New York (1968)
Linda Riss rejected a suitor, Burton Pugach. As the court says “this miscreant, masquerading as a respectable attorney, repeatedly threatened to have Linda killed or maimed if she did not yield to him.” She became engaged to another man, and Pugach warned her that this was “her last chance.” She went to the cops, who dismissed the matter as a lover’s quarrel. Pugach then hired three thugs who went up to Riss and threw lye in her face, blinding her in one eye and scarring her face permanently.

What makes this case great is the subsequent history.Pugach now claims that he hired the thugs just to beat Riss up, not throw lye in her face. He proposed to her on TV (because he wasn’t allowed near her) after serving 14 years in jail, and SHE SAID YES!!!!!!! She has explained her decision to marry him by citing Christian forgiveness, blaming the New York cops for the incident, and relying on the ADVICE OF A FREAKING FORTUNE TELLER!! He has recently made the exact same threats to his mistress that he made to Riss, but Riss was still willing to testify on his behalf. Torts are stranger than fiction.


6) Mathias v. Actor Economy Lodging, Inc. (2002)
Kind of a funny case about a motel with rampant bedbug problem. The plaintiffs, former customers of the motel, sued and each got $5,000 in compensatory damages but $186,000 in punitive damages (punitive damages being used to punish offenders for particularly egregious misconduct). This motel sounds gross beyond words. This excerpt from Judge Posner’s opinion, with its parenthetical observation and its Posneresque tangent on ticks, always cracks me up:

“The infestation continued and began to reach farcical proportions, as when a guest, after complaining of having been bitten repeatedly by insects while asleep in his room in the hotel was moved to another room only to discover insects there; and within 18 minutes of being moved to a third room he discovered insects in that room as well and had to be moved still again. (Odd that at that point he didn't flee the motel.) By July, the motel's management was acknowledging to EcoLab that there was a "major problem with bed bugs" and that all that was being done about it was "chasing them from room to room." Desk clerks were instructed to call the "bedbugs" "ticks," apparently on the theory that customers would be less alarmed, though in fact ticks are more dangerous than bedbugs because they spread Lyme Disease and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Rooms that the motel had placed on "Do not rent, bugs in room" status nevertheless were rented.”


7) Koffman v. Garnett (2003)
This case involved a middle school football coach who, upset about his team’s poor tackling during their first game of the season, demonstrated proper tackling form for his team at the first practice after the loss. The problem was that a) the coach weighed 260 lbs. and the person he tackled was 144 lb.s, and b) he gave no warning to the poor kid that he was going to tackle him. As the court says:

“Garnett [the coach] ordered Andy to hold a football and stand ‘upright and motionless’ so that Garnett could explain the proper tackling technique. Then Garnett, without further warning, thrust his arms around Andy’s body, lifted him ‘off his feet by two feet or more,’ and slammed him to the ground . . . the force of the tackle broke the humerus bone in Andy’s left arm.”

This makes me laugh because the coach sounds like a walking caricature: the middle-aged, frustrated former athlete unleashing his rage on frightened kids by “coaching.”

My First Post

Here it is y'all! The world breathlessly waiting for the arrival of another blog...

Nothing like sitting a firm five years behind the zeitgeist.

DD